Pregnancy Paranoia at 11 weeks.

There is a certain amount of paranoia associated with pregnancy. Most of it, in my case, is associated with baby loss. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Thank God Lawrence was just fine.

My second pregnancy was ectopic. I KNEW I was pregnant but my period started on the right day. I was sad about being mistaken but the longer I bled, the more I knew it just didn't look right. It continued past the normal 7 days, and continued and it became clear that I was pregnant or had been and that something was very wrong. It took me a really long time to recover mentally from that loss. I even had a name picked out. Around the time I lost this baby, another friend had just started telling folks that she was pregnant. It was beautiful and difficult. She had unknowingly chosen the same name for her baby that I had chosen for mine. I was really looking forward to the birth of her baby and then at 40 weeks, he died. It was so crazy! I lost mine to an ectopic pregnancy very, very early and she lost hers to a crazy thing that no one could have foreseen at 40 weeks.

I have entered the 11th week of my 3rd pregnancy. I am so thankful that the only complication so far is a painless UTI. I look forward to the months to come. I won't say that I'm fully cured of my paranoia though. But I do have plan for dealing with most things that could go wrong. I've gone over some of it in my head, at least. My biggest concern in this area is my big boy, Lawrence. I haven't told him yet and I won't. I want him to just notice that I'm pregnant. I am not telling him, ainly, because I wouldn't want to have to tell him sad news if something happened. I know, all kids get sad news, he has even been to a few funerals and a wake but this is different. So I have decided to wait until he figures it out. I think he is going to be a great, big brother. I just need some more time to "feel" safe and to look pregnant.

Grow, 11 week-fig-sized baby, grow.