Nothing is Quite Perfect

Today, I saw baby Jones move! Wow. The heartbeat, once again, is 158bpm. Yey! Thank you, God. Here's how it went:

She come in and talks to me. She asks me about Sunday (see Surviving 12th Week). She says she wants to have a "look." She tells me they found three small fibroids during my last exam (Boo, WTH! Not feeling that). She informs me that they may grow as the pregnancy progresses. (Sounds like some garbage. Those fibroids need to stay on their end.) While doing a "look see," she tells me that my pelvic exam came back questionable. (Boooo! WTF!) She wants to do a colposcopy next time. She had to remind me what that was. It's the scope to look up close at my cervix (Booo, again!) This doesn't register very well. I'm really tired, I'd been nappying before she came in the room and I've got a speculum in my business! I have her repeat the info and ask a few questions (not enough questions, I'll likely be calling her tomorrow).

We move on to the baby. OB pulls out the heart monitor thing that looks like a kid's microphone and starts looking for the heartbeat. Nope, nope, nope. I got a tinge nervous when she couldn't find the heartbeat with that stupid thing. I'm sure she could tell. Then she brought in the portable ultrasound and we were in business! I saw the baby move(!!!), I saw the heart fluttering, I saw the 158bpm read on the screen. Nice, steady, little heart. Good job, baby! Funny thing, after finding the baby, she went back to the stupid "kid's microphone" contraption and found the heartbeat again. So, so nice to hear this baby's heartbeat. Seeing the heartbeat is nice but hearing it is gorgeous. It's like, "say hello to my little friend" but in a good way. LOL! I have now seen my baby wave a hand, I think, and have heard her heart(no, I don't know the gender). Almost perfect!

Of course, I was a bit shaken by the fibroids and the abnormal pap (BOOOO!). In fact I was upset! I finally cried in my car with my head on my steering wheel after I parked behind DDH. That helped. I was angry and frustrated and tired of cervical drama (1999, 2008 and now this?). I was just outdone. I talked to a friend who has had baby losses. That helped. I left DDH and drove around campus. I talked to another friend who has had many threats upon her cervix and uterus. She also helped. I parked and cried in my car some more while she and I talked. I talked to my husband. I called my girlfriend back. We laughed and talked more. I also talked to my big/little sister/mentor. That helped too.

The talks all went well. Besides swearing and crying, there were good words/phrases like:

Hope. Nothing is ever perfect. We'll get through this. It will turn out fine no matter what. We don't have to wait for things to be perfect to live a good life. I still believe. In the midst of the worst things I can imagine, I still believe. I can't help it. I just do. I believe that I am loved by God. I have to keep going. We cannot judge our success by what we do not yet have. We are still alive. There is more good to come. We are not failures. Even if it's not better right away, even if something goes wrong before it get's better, I can still get there. I'm not dead yet, so I have not used up all my chances. I am living the life I am supposed to live and it's not over yet. This is a process.

It's a lot of hodgepodge with no true background story but I trust that you will get from it what you need to get. I know all of us can become disheartened by our not quite perfect lives. - Good spouse, no money. Great money, no spouse. Awesome baby, personal issues. Great opportunities but paralyzed by fear and struggling to seize them. Supportive friends & family, crippling self-esteem. - It's never going to be quite perfect. We can't always wait until we feel better to get on with life. We have to start and trust that the healing (or whatever you are needing) will happen on the way. You will never be perfect (life will NEVER be perfect) but on your best day, you are like Lucky Charms leaving joy and prizes in your wake. On your best day, you have a halo of sunlight about 5 feet in diameter and you warm everyone you meet. On one apostle's best day, he healed people with his shadow! It is important to note, that on your worst day, you may forget the miracles and this, my friend, is why we have community and scripture and the Spirit to remind us. Nothing is ever quite perfect but perfection is not a criteria for miracles!

We still have our whole lives to live and to love and to do God's work. So, we forge ahead. You with me?

12th Week - The Size of a Lime

From babycenter.com

How your baby's growing:

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

Read the full article

Surviving 12th Week

Welcome to week 12. It started out very exciting.

Sunday morning, I woke up bleeding. Thin pink blood, nothing terrifying like my period or anything. Ruined a sheet but nothing "CSI." Filled 1/2 a pantyliner. Went potty to do a check for anything truly scary and changed into a pad. Called Dr. Leong's answering service and she called me very quickly! Nice. By then, it had stopped. She said to watch it and if anything got darker or thinker or whatever to head to ER. She also said she'd set me up for a Tuesday appt.

I spent the morning in bed. Resting, FaceBooking, napping. After church, Lewis picked up the goods for the superbowl party and he and Lawrence returned home. Things were looking good for me. So I sat in the kitchen and prepared the nacho dip. The goal was to sit and not stand or do much. Just me in the chair throwin' nacho fixin's in the crock pot. Still lookin' good, we got dressed and headed to our friend's Super Bowl party.

End of the night, I went to the bathroom and it was a lot different. Dark, thick, slick product. Not soaking the pad because it was old blood but plenty coating the pad. I didn't really freak out but I was disappointed. I told Lew that I wanted to drop Lo off at gma's and go to the hospital after the game was over. Lew called his mom to give her a heads up. We packed up our stuff said our goodbyes and got out of there.

After dropping off our sweet boy, we headed to UCMC ER. The folks were super nice. The triage nurse and I agreed that the baby was probably fine and that this was some implantation blood and dark blood likely signified the end to the bleeding and not something worse. She mentioned that is was encouraging that this had happened with Lawrence too. I sent a few texts to get some prayers going and watched CSI until they called me.

We got a private room. The order for the night was urine sample, a finger stick, pelvic exam and ultrasound. The doctors and the nurse were sooo cool. The first doctor had to go because he had to meet an incoming helicopter. The next doctor was pretty funny and very compassionate. He explained before he did anything that this is a situation where I did nothing wrong and that I could do nothing about this. Every woman in my situation needs so very much to hear this. He was kind. When we got to the ultrasound, it was obvious that he understood what parents want. He printed us a copy of the ultrasound even though he wasn't supposed to. He wished us well and then explained that he had to say that there was still a 50/50 chance. He explained what might happen if this "threatened miscarriage (or abortion)" actually completed. He said that if any of that happened, we should return to ER. He also told me to see my OB in a day. I found out my blood type because they wanted to rule out any Rh issues. I was a + so no shots for me.

When we got back to the car, I sent texts to my prayers and Lew and I went to get the Lo and headed home for night, night. It was 4am when we went to bed.

I woke up at 12ish today, talked to some of my peeps and had a good lunch with my husband. Today was a good day. No drama, no blood, no pain; just a headache and lots of hunger. We watched The Secret Life of Bees and I cried. I'm thankful because I didn't panic. I'm thankful that I still have a little baby inside me. I'm thankful that we are rejoicing instead of mourning. I am thankful for new mercies every morning, night and noon. I am thankful for love that transcends adversity and I thank God that I see progress. I thank God that I'm a little stronger than I was before and that I face this with open eyes and open heart. Nothing is impossible with God. God is with me no matter what happens. I remain hopeful!

I'm so thankful for this day and for the beauty of miracles. God is good.

I look forward to my Ob appointment on Tuesday.

Pregnancy Paranoia at 11 weeks.

There is a certain amount of paranoia associated with pregnancy. Most of it, in my case, is associated with baby loss. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Thank God Lawrence was just fine.

My second pregnancy was ectopic. I KNEW I was pregnant but my period started on the right day. I was sad about being mistaken but the longer I bled, the more I knew it just didn't look right. It continued past the normal 7 days, and continued and it became clear that I was pregnant or had been and that something was very wrong. It took me a really long time to recover mentally from that loss. I even had a name picked out. Around the time I lost this baby, another friend had just started telling folks that she was pregnant. It was beautiful and difficult. She had unknowingly chosen the same name for her baby that I had chosen for mine. I was really looking forward to the birth of her baby and then at 40 weeks, he died. It was so crazy! I lost mine to an ectopic pregnancy very, very early and she lost hers to a crazy thing that no one could have foreseen at 40 weeks.

I have entered the 11th week of my 3rd pregnancy. I am so thankful that the only complication so far is a painless UTI. I look forward to the months to come. I won't say that I'm fully cured of my paranoia though. But I do have plan for dealing with most things that could go wrong. I've gone over some of it in my head, at least. My biggest concern in this area is my big boy, Lawrence. I haven't told him yet and I won't. I want him to just notice that I'm pregnant. I am not telling him, ainly, because I wouldn't want to have to tell him sad news if something happened. I know, all kids get sad news, he has even been to a few funerals and a wake but this is different. So I have decided to wait until he figures it out. I think he is going to be a great, big brother. I just need some more time to "feel" safe and to look pregnant.

Grow, 11 week-fig-sized baby, grow.

11 weeks - The size of a fig

I love babycenter.com they send me links to articles about the weekly stages of this pregnancy. Make my life easier. Click to read what happens at 11 weeks.