Nothing is Quite Perfect

Today, I saw baby Jones move! Wow. The heartbeat, once again, is 158bpm. Yey! Thank you, God. Here's how it went:

She come in and talks to me. She asks me about Sunday (see Surviving 12th Week). She says she wants to have a "look." She tells me they found three small fibroids during my last exam (Boo, WTH! Not feeling that). She informs me that they may grow as the pregnancy progresses. (Sounds like some garbage. Those fibroids need to stay on their end.) While doing a "look see," she tells me that my pelvic exam came back questionable. (Boooo! WTF!) She wants to do a colposcopy next time. She had to remind me what that was. It's the scope to look up close at my cervix (Booo, again!) This doesn't register very well. I'm really tired, I'd been nappying before she came in the room and I've got a speculum in my business! I have her repeat the info and ask a few questions (not enough questions, I'll likely be calling her tomorrow).

We move on to the baby. OB pulls out the heart monitor thing that looks like a kid's microphone and starts looking for the heartbeat. Nope, nope, nope. I got a tinge nervous when she couldn't find the heartbeat with that stupid thing. I'm sure she could tell. Then she brought in the portable ultrasound and we were in business! I saw the baby move(!!!), I saw the heart fluttering, I saw the 158bpm read on the screen. Nice, steady, little heart. Good job, baby! Funny thing, after finding the baby, she went back to the stupid "kid's microphone" contraption and found the heartbeat again. So, so nice to hear this baby's heartbeat. Seeing the heartbeat is nice but hearing it is gorgeous. It's like, "say hello to my little friend" but in a good way. LOL! I have now seen my baby wave a hand, I think, and have heard her heart(no, I don't know the gender). Almost perfect!

Of course, I was a bit shaken by the fibroids and the abnormal pap (BOOOO!). In fact I was upset! I finally cried in my car with my head on my steering wheel after I parked behind DDH. That helped. I was angry and frustrated and tired of cervical drama (1999, 2008 and now this?). I was just outdone. I talked to a friend who has had baby losses. That helped. I left DDH and drove around campus. I talked to another friend who has had many threats upon her cervix and uterus. She also helped. I parked and cried in my car some more while she and I talked. I talked to my husband. I called my girlfriend back. We laughed and talked more. I also talked to my big/little sister/mentor. That helped too.

The talks all went well. Besides swearing and crying, there were good words/phrases like:

Hope. Nothing is ever perfect. We'll get through this. It will turn out fine no matter what. We don't have to wait for things to be perfect to live a good life. I still believe. In the midst of the worst things I can imagine, I still believe. I can't help it. I just do. I believe that I am loved by God. I have to keep going. We cannot judge our success by what we do not yet have. We are still alive. There is more good to come. We are not failures. Even if it's not better right away, even if something goes wrong before it get's better, I can still get there. I'm not dead yet, so I have not used up all my chances. I am living the life I am supposed to live and it's not over yet. This is a process.

It's a lot of hodgepodge with no true background story but I trust that you will get from it what you need to get. I know all of us can become disheartened by our not quite perfect lives. - Good spouse, no money. Great money, no spouse. Awesome baby, personal issues. Great opportunities but paralyzed by fear and struggling to seize them. Supportive friends & family, crippling self-esteem. - It's never going to be quite perfect. We can't always wait until we feel better to get on with life. We have to start and trust that the healing (or whatever you are needing) will happen on the way. You will never be perfect (life will NEVER be perfect) but on your best day, you are like Lucky Charms leaving joy and prizes in your wake. On your best day, you have a halo of sunlight about 5 feet in diameter and you warm everyone you meet. On one apostle's best day, he healed people with his shadow! It is important to note, that on your worst day, you may forget the miracles and this, my friend, is why we have community and scripture and the Spirit to remind us. Nothing is ever quite perfect but perfection is not a criteria for miracles!

We still have our whole lives to live and to love and to do God's work. So, we forge ahead. You with me?