31 Day Reset: Day 1

Decided to do the 31 Day Reset from HappyBlackWoman.com after my girl, lashon, told me about it. Her description sounded great so I looked into it and here goes!

1. 31 day journal - half check. I have this blog but I also want to journal in a notebook. Currently, I believe I'm out of notebooks in the crib. So, tomorrow, I'll get one. In the meantime, the blog will be fine.

2. Mantra - "I am NOT my circumstances. I am becoming my true self, moving beyond fear, to embrace the unknown with confidence knowing that, with God's help, 'I got this!'." - paraphrase from Your Circumstances DO NOT define you!! by Kipp Mastin on The Daily Love

I am very excited about this!

Operation Sexy Mama 11/22/2010: Fitness Goals

Fitness Goals for Now and into 2011 (God willing!)

• Get my new prosthesis before the new year.
• Start weight training consistently.
• Start exercise consistently. Get off the couch and get active.
• Dance more! - dance at home, dance with kids, dance at church and go out dancing.
• Weight 135 by March 2011 - evaluate and decide if I want to go for 125.
• Walk a 10K by next summer.
• Make walks part of my weekly routine and build endurance.
• Do fitness and charity walks throughout the Fall of 2011.
• Learn how to run again in 2011, since I became and amputee at age 17, I have never really done it consistently.
• Run a 5K before winter 2011? Sounds painful but I'd like to try.
• 125-135, muscular and athletic by October 27, 2011.
• Maintain this weight into 2012

Operation Sexy Mama 11/19/2010: My Trainer? - Part 3

She's awesome. I figured I'd better tell her a little more about what I can do and tell her about my inconsistent eating. Also wanted to share my current resources with her.

"Oh, cool. I emailed your mom last night. I must tell you that I am beyond thrilled that you would help me get in shape. Big blessing, you are (yoda voice).

This sounds good. Forgot to mention that I can do yoga & pilates on one leg. I'm guessing old school calisthenics would be okay too, right? Sit ups, push ups (hate them both), pull ups and the like? Will that help if I actually get my butt off the couch? I WANT MY ABS BACK!!! I am a bit of an acrobat since I've been this way for 23 years which means I can dance on crutches. But that could be too much on the knee so I'll save aerobics for when I get my new C-Leg.

I suck at eating so I better do make ahead food so it's easy. I will have to force myself to eat when I'm busy. Sad to put eating in my phone calendar to remind me but I will. That six meal thing sounds like a good challenge. I will start with part 1 and work my way up to part 2. I know that will be great if I get the hang of it. It will be an improvement because sometimes I eat nothing and you can't make milk out of air. I am supposed to be breastfeeding but I have supplement from formula for now. And of course by the time I'm starving, I eat crappy fast stuff and I have a headache. I will be a sooo much better off. My goal is to "do some kind of exercise" daily (suggestions?) and I have all of netflix at my disposal for that. Sadly, I have not managed yet. Ugh. Waaaah! In terms of counting calories, I can log my eating on the My Diet app on Facebook. It worked for my husband and I before. In fact, he was better at it then I was (Deirdre = Hater)!

Water, water, water. I'm almost finished with my 2nd liter. Gosh that was long. Next time we should inbox. Thanks sooo murch! Yes, murch."

Operation Sexy Mama 11/19/2010: My Trainer? - Part 2

She wrote me back with suggestions:

"aww. LOL, you crack me up with the way you describe things! i understand though. speaking of my mom! she wants you to email her at [email] she can send you grandma T's journal, pdf file. haha, well based on your challenges, i think it'll be alright to just start with your diet, and then we can go from there! now i know it's hard to limit yourself from the things you lvoe but since exercise is kind of out of the question right now, what you eat is going to be a factor, so i suggest one of 2 things, or both.

1) eat less carbs. carbs are what really pack on the pounds..yes, you need them, energy wise,..but for someone not as active, you dont have to have as many. carbs being pastas, breads..basically the things you probably love..cake, cookies, candy...etc. bad carbs. so eating more vegetables, fruits, protein...chicken, cottage cheese, tuna, stuff like that..i really wouldnt limit your self to like grilled meats only..i mean you dont wanna deprive yourself..give yourself one day out of the week to eat "bad"..within reason.

2), instead of eating 3 meals a day..if you limit yourself to maybe 6 small meals..so you're like snacking on a daily basis..that's also an option. small portions every few hours keeps your metabolism going. and youre less hungry.. now you can combine the 2, eat smaller meals plus eat less carbs, or you can do them separately..either way, you'll definitely notice a difference in your weight immediately, just because it is gonna be a shock to your body. as far as drinking is concerned..water is your best bet. juices and what not all contain carbs, and etc..i personally drink water and diet stuff..but i mean it's all about your preference and how hard you wanna go at this. calorie intake wise is another thing but...i don't wanna overwhelm you with stuff hahahah...so pretty much, let me know what you think, any questions, i can answer...or elaborate more on..i'm sure we can get a plan going for you, i'm honorrrred to help you."

Operation Sexy Mama 11/19/2010: My Trainer? - Part 1

A Personal Trainer?

My cousin wants to help me! She's a super fit athlete. Yey!

" aww, did she? i'm sure it was humble, she's definitely not one to brag, haha. what'd she say? and how are you? it's legit been years since i've talked to you, i believe. also, i see you're on a diet? let me know if you need any help-- weightroom/physical training = my area of specialty!"

My Response:

It was super humble. She is so proud of you! She mentioned your field work during the November elections. We were all like, "Ooooo." You know US like it when fam is on TV and it's not a police action. Oh, my Godsend, Lae! YES, I would like some help! I just had a baby ~3 months ago and I turned 40 last month. I need a plan for maintaining my sexy and getting my superhero body(NOT KIDDING). I will be a challenge because

a) I am an amputee so I need to protect the remaining precious knee,

b) I am on crutches until I get the [new] prosthesis leg (hooray pregnancy for jacking up my groove) and

c) I am lazy, inconsistent and I get bored easy. Got any suggestions?

Operation Sexy Mama 11/18/2010

Operation Sexy Mama: I bet I'd drop that final 20 if I'd exercise. Sooo, not motivated. Thank God for the blessing of being an optical illusion . We are nearing month 3 & I am giving myself 18 months to get to the goal. Milk production + holidays = no dieting. Just trying to be healthy & strong. Gotta get back to the gym. Oh, the goal is to be under 140, look athletic & be ready to chase a toddler & do the occasional 5K.

Operation Complete, Day 1: Reading Theology

Last night, my mentor suggested that I go to the office each day and do something every morning until I get the work done. It sounded smart. Lew is working, the Captain is at school and Lance is usually sleep. No excuses really. Just fear of the mountain of work. But one day at a time sounds doable. So I agreed.

Today, I brought "The Responsibility of the Church for Society" by H. Richard Niebuhr, "Liberation and Reconciliation" by J. Deotis Roberts and "Pragmatic Spirituality" by Gayraud S. Wilmore today. I'm going to read and take notes and think. I brought more than one in case I get bored.

For support and encouragement. I sent a text to the Director of Ministry and I'm about to send a text to my mentor. I posted my books on Facebook. I'm beginning today. Very exciting and scary but I'll get it done.

Gonna post my ideas and thoughts here as I go along. It's nice to sit and work and occasionally look down at a cute little sleeping baby. Yey. Life is good. Here I go!

Hit 'em Up Style - Kid's Parties and other Gift Giving Occasions

In the season of backyard bbqs, big birthday parties, grad parties, trunk parties and other festivities, it's important to be mindful of the things we do for gifts, status and approval.

My cousin was just fussing on Facebook about how folks are sending her all these invites to stuff for their kids when she has no real relationship with them or the kid. Goodness, I see her point.

Here are the thoughts that I posted on her page:

Yeah, good point. There are people who are your close friends & family who LOVE you & your kids and will walk out in traffic for them/you, there are the people who "expect/really want" an invite and then there are folks that you are just hitting up. It's not good just to hit folks up. Especially, if there is no relationship - real, implied, desired or otherwise. Once a year love is not enough. Important to keep in mind. A rule of thumb might be, "If they showed up without a gift and you'd be glad to see them anyway, invite them. If they showed up without a gift and you'd be mad, you might want to rethink your guest list."

She liked my comment. Her fuss made me examine myself and think more carefully about how I roll. There are only a few categories of people who are invited to parties - close family, friends, affinity/activity friends, 'obligatories' and 'hit 'em ups.' Details as follows:

A) The are people who are your close friends and family - These are the folks who love you/your child and would walk out into traffic for them. These are people you see or talk to weekly, monthly, quarterly and for whom you would spend gas money or airfare to go "see about."

B) The people who "expect/really want" an invitation - Your affinity/activity and obligatories go here BUT use discretion on this, just because THEY expect or really want an invite, doesn't mean you have to send one. Just know who you are dealing with and how you will deal with them should they find out that you had a party and you didn't invite them.

Examples: Your nice neighbor, the old ladies at church who like invitations and send a card but might not attend due to a hip or something, your great aunt Jean who made your child's layette by hand, that fringe girlfriend who adores you but has a conflicting schedule and never quite makes it to your events, your book club mate who has kids your child's age, people who pay attention and say, "Where are you registered? When is the party? What's his favorite...? Let me know how I can help. Here's my info, let me know."

Again, you don't have to invite these people but if you've been meaning to get together, take a moment to decide if this is the right event. You could invite them OR you could contact them to schedule a lunch for the following week.

C) Another would be, if your child specifically asks you to invite them because they have a genuine relationship with the person. - Their friends, teachers, parents of school friends, daycare lady who has loved him his whole life and still keeps in touch. I think you get the point.

D) They invited you to their kid's thing - Your call. Did you hit it off? Did the kids enjoy it. Use wisdom and don't feel bad if the answer is no. You can just send a card.

Finally, a rule of thumb that I fleshed out from my cousin's Facebook page. Ask yourself these questions:

"If the person showed up at my house without a gift, would I still be glad to see them and feed them?" If so, invite them.

"If the person showed up at my house without a gift, would I be mad that they were eating my food & sucking up my AC?" If you'd be mad, take a second look at your guest list and do some pruning.

You really don't need to "hit folks up." If there is no REAL relationship (whether real, virtual, implied, desired or otherwise), please don't put them in a situation where they have to spend money on your kid or you, for that matter. There are enough people in your life who genuinely love/like you and whose company you enjoy. And in terms of gifts, God provides. Look at these parties as occasions to really hang with folks who mean a lot to you.

I hardly ever post, so I hope this will be useful or fun to read.

Hypnobirthing - 08/08/2010: Encouragement

Sunday, August 8th, I was very excited abou my 1st Hypnobirthing class. I posted this on Facebook:

... very excited about her 1st Hynobirthing class. Also, really excited about the party her sisters are throwing at the crib. Happy Sunday!

And got this:

• Robin Ross, Lee Gibson and 2 others like this.
• • 

    Bev Uhlenhake Enjoy! We did hypnobirthing class with our first, and it was really good. I popped out a 10.5 pounder in 10 minutes with no meds, so I guess something sunk in. :)

    Sunday at 12:59pm · ·
  • 

    Kimberly Butters Dennis We did hypnobirthing for our second child and it was great! I felt much more in control, no meds, and my body did its thing all on its own. Didn't even have to bear down. My only words of caution are to make sure your doctor/midwife is on board. Our doctor said he was and then was a complete booger the day of delivery. Enjoy the classes too. Sooooooooo relaxing! Take care!

    Sunday at 2:50pm · ·
  • 

    Lillian M. Hemphill for those of us non-birthers out her ...what is hypnobirthing?

    Sunday at 4:38pm · ·
  • 

    Vania Alvarez I felt no pain until the nurse said that they were sorry it was taking so long for the pain EPI - until that point I thought I was on the meds, a second after she said that, the pain rushed through me. After they gave me the epi she popped out.

    Sunday at 11:03pm · ·
  • 

    Robin Dixon Roberts See Deie, It works! You already know my experiences - completely AWESOME!

    Yesterday at 8:09am · ·
  • 

    Robin Ross Deie, these are the comments and people you need to surround yourself with- all positive stories. I love it!!!

    Yesterday at 8:19am · ·
  • 

    Deirdre Jackson Jones

    Yes, Robin Ross, ONLY positive stories from now until end of 4th Trimester! Anyone else will be escorted from the space.
    
    Ladies, I really appreciate your encouragement & great stories!
    Lil, Hypnobirthing is a great birthing method that helps...See More

    Yesterday at 12:54pm · ·
  • 

    Lillian M. Hemphill I was there for Renaldo's birth. I was 9......I say skip the whole thing and settle for a dog :).
    
    Not everyone is able....I know I ain't.

    16 hours ago · ·

    
    

    
    

10 Things I Want to Say to a Black Woman

Beautiful poetry.

Click on the word "beautiful" so you can begin to understand how fantastic you are.

Working on a Birth Plan: Orgasmic Birth and Other Awesome Stuff

A few weeks (months?) ago, I talked to my doctor about my previous birth experience and she told me to write a birth plan. I was kind of waiting to do it until I figured out what I wanted. I've been doing lots of research and I've been looking for doula. As I began looking for a doula, I was also looking for an alternate birthing method. I did not take to Lamaze, I was referred to a doula who taught Birth from Within (August is her vacation time), my girlfriend did Hypnobirthing (the nearest "Hypno" lady is booked til Sept) and so I was still looking.

THEN, I found Orgasmic Birth. Now, please note that the Orgasmic Birth documentary was already on my Netflix.com queue but I hadn't really gotten to that one yet. I read some stuff on Amazon.com and I was intrigued. After I saw the video, I was sold. I think I've watched it, at least, 4 times and I've now shown everything but the extras to Lewis. He's totally down with this.

So now I'm doing further research and writing my birth plan. It feels so good!!! I'm so happy because I'm researching like crazy and I'm writing down what I want. I have draft that I am taking with me on my next appointment. During this appointment, I will see one of my OB's partners. I think this is great because I can begin to gather what I hope is a sampling of the philosophies of the different OBs in her group.

I am going to be praying. Worst(best?) case scenario is that they tell me the truth, it doesn't work for me and I bid them adieu. Best case scenario, they are totally down for it, I find my doula and we sail into L&D when contractions are 5 minutes apart and they let me do my thing.

Additionally, once I get this doula/midwife thing handled (nope, still don't have one), then I will ask them to assess me and my home for a home birth. That would be my dream!!! Don't even start with me (you know who you are), don't post a comment, don't trip...just be silent and pray if you don't agree or the idea of me doing a home birth scares the crap out of you. Just don't say a word because I need prayer and positive energy to get through this birth and not flash back to the drama of the last one. Okay? Don't post, just pray. Thank you. I love you. I feel better that I've said it somewhere.

Okay, so the birth I have in mind goes like this:

• 2nd babies are usually faster but I am mentally preparing for 36 hours, just in case.
• Bag packed. Laptop loaded with songs.
• Speakers in bags.
• Battery operated fake candles packed.
• Lolo at Grandmommy's house.
• My friends have made food for me and frozen it.
• All early labor up to 5 minute contractions done at home.
• AJ/Dominique/Mendy doing Yoga with me during early labor.
• I eat food and drink beverages.
• I do some labor in the tub/shower.
• Lew and doula give me massages.
• I am free to walk and use exercise ball to get comfortable during contractions.
• I may even dance.
• I get lots hugs and kisses from Lew and my friends.
• Doula monitors my and baby's vitals.
• I head to the hospital at the 5 minutes apart stage.
• I send mom to the hotel to wait for my call.
• I bring all my stuff and we set up shop in an L&D room.
• NO intervention without serious discussion, statistical data, evidence based information about me (not most people) and a 2nd opinion. Yeah, I really want this VBAC.
• I have a few very positive friends stop by.
• Doula meets me at the hospital.
• The docs and nurses basically leave me the heck alone with minimum fetal monitoring and a Hep Lock.
• Labor advances at our pace.
• I am allowed to change positions during labor for comfort, relaxation and pain management.
• No drugs.
• No episiotomy. There are natural ways to protect the perineum.
• Baby is born and I get him right away, skin-to-skin, so I can increase the oxytocin for both of us and get the breast milk flowin'.
• Testing and baby care, in room.
• Private room for our stay.
• Lactation specialist consultation.
• Get out of there as soon as it's healthy and possible.
• Hide out for several weeks.

This is what I have so far. I am aware that things don't always happen like we want. Tis is what I'd like to see happen. I am flexible if I get real evidence and real talk from the doctors. I am not wiling to lose either of us in childbirth for my convictions. We are both going home, God willing, whether this Birth Plan pans out or not. I believe I will feel better, no matter what, knowing that I have spoken up, done the research and had a doula who is on her game advocating with me.

So, that is what I have so far. I am praying for strength, voice, wisdom, guidance and the right doula. I feel really good that I have already begun to prepare. I am so thankful that God has given me another opportunity and I want to do my best to make this start off as well as I possibly can.

That's all for now. I'm going to send a copy of the actual draft, not exactly like the bullet points, to my husband, my Angie (7 births) and a few of my other peeps for suggestions.

I am building my circle to make this birth something beautiful. May God do what I cannot through me, Lew, the doula, the doctors and my friends.

Amen.

Nothing is Quite Perfect

Today, I saw baby Jones move! Wow. The heartbeat, once again, is 158bpm. Yey! Thank you, God. Here's how it went:

She come in and talks to me. She asks me about Sunday (see Surviving 12th Week). She says she wants to have a "look." She tells me they found three small fibroids during my last exam (Boo, WTH! Not feeling that). She informs me that they may grow as the pregnancy progresses. (Sounds like some garbage. Those fibroids need to stay on their end.) While doing a "look see," she tells me that my pelvic exam came back questionable. (Boooo! WTF!) She wants to do a colposcopy next time. She had to remind me what that was. It's the scope to look up close at my cervix (Booo, again!) This doesn't register very well. I'm really tired, I'd been nappying before she came in the room and I've got a speculum in my business! I have her repeat the info and ask a few questions (not enough questions, I'll likely be calling her tomorrow).

We move on to the baby. OB pulls out the heart monitor thing that looks like a kid's microphone and starts looking for the heartbeat. Nope, nope, nope. I got a tinge nervous when she couldn't find the heartbeat with that stupid thing. I'm sure she could tell. Then she brought in the portable ultrasound and we were in business! I saw the baby move(!!!), I saw the heart fluttering, I saw the 158bpm read on the screen. Nice, steady, little heart. Good job, baby! Funny thing, after finding the baby, she went back to the stupid "kid's microphone" contraption and found the heartbeat again. So, so nice to hear this baby's heartbeat. Seeing the heartbeat is nice but hearing it is gorgeous. It's like, "say hello to my little friend" but in a good way. LOL! I have now seen my baby wave a hand, I think, and have heard her heart(no, I don't know the gender). Almost perfect!

Of course, I was a bit shaken by the fibroids and the abnormal pap (BOOOO!). In fact I was upset! I finally cried in my car with my head on my steering wheel after I parked behind DDH. That helped. I was angry and frustrated and tired of cervical drama (1999, 2008 and now this?). I was just outdone. I talked to a friend who has had baby losses. That helped. I left DDH and drove around campus. I talked to another friend who has had many threats upon her cervix and uterus. She also helped. I parked and cried in my car some more while she and I talked. I talked to my husband. I called my girlfriend back. We laughed and talked more. I also talked to my big/little sister/mentor. That helped too.

The talks all went well. Besides swearing and crying, there were good words/phrases like:

Hope. Nothing is ever perfect. We'll get through this. It will turn out fine no matter what. We don't have to wait for things to be perfect to live a good life. I still believe. In the midst of the worst things I can imagine, I still believe. I can't help it. I just do. I believe that I am loved by God. I have to keep going. We cannot judge our success by what we do not yet have. We are still alive. There is more good to come. We are not failures. Even if it's not better right away, even if something goes wrong before it get's better, I can still get there. I'm not dead yet, so I have not used up all my chances. I am living the life I am supposed to live and it's not over yet. This is a process.

It's a lot of hodgepodge with no true background story but I trust that you will get from it what you need to get. I know all of us can become disheartened by our not quite perfect lives. - Good spouse, no money. Great money, no spouse. Awesome baby, personal issues. Great opportunities but paralyzed by fear and struggling to seize them. Supportive friends & family, crippling self-esteem. - It's never going to be quite perfect. We can't always wait until we feel better to get on with life. We have to start and trust that the healing (or whatever you are needing) will happen on the way. You will never be perfect (life will NEVER be perfect) but on your best day, you are like Lucky Charms leaving joy and prizes in your wake. On your best day, you have a halo of sunlight about 5 feet in diameter and you warm everyone you meet. On one apostle's best day, he healed people with his shadow! It is important to note, that on your worst day, you may forget the miracles and this, my friend, is why we have community and scripture and the Spirit to remind us. Nothing is ever quite perfect but perfection is not a criteria for miracles!

We still have our whole lives to live and to love and to do God's work. So, we forge ahead. You with me?

12th Week - The Size of a Lime

From babycenter.com

How your baby's growing:

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

Read the full article

Surviving 12th Week

Welcome to week 12. It started out very exciting.

Sunday morning, I woke up bleeding. Thin pink blood, nothing terrifying like my period or anything. Ruined a sheet but nothing "CSI." Filled 1/2 a pantyliner. Went potty to do a check for anything truly scary and changed into a pad. Called Dr. Leong's answering service and she called me very quickly! Nice. By then, it had stopped. She said to watch it and if anything got darker or thinker or whatever to head to ER. She also said she'd set me up for a Tuesday appt.

I spent the morning in bed. Resting, FaceBooking, napping. After church, Lewis picked up the goods for the superbowl party and he and Lawrence returned home. Things were looking good for me. So I sat in the kitchen and prepared the nacho dip. The goal was to sit and not stand or do much. Just me in the chair throwin' nacho fixin's in the crock pot. Still lookin' good, we got dressed and headed to our friend's Super Bowl party.

End of the night, I went to the bathroom and it was a lot different. Dark, thick, slick product. Not soaking the pad because it was old blood but plenty coating the pad. I didn't really freak out but I was disappointed. I told Lew that I wanted to drop Lo off at gma's and go to the hospital after the game was over. Lew called his mom to give her a heads up. We packed up our stuff said our goodbyes and got out of there.

After dropping off our sweet boy, we headed to UCMC ER. The folks were super nice. The triage nurse and I agreed that the baby was probably fine and that this was some implantation blood and dark blood likely signified the end to the bleeding and not something worse. She mentioned that is was encouraging that this had happened with Lawrence too. I sent a few texts to get some prayers going and watched CSI until they called me.

We got a private room. The order for the night was urine sample, a finger stick, pelvic exam and ultrasound. The doctors and the nurse were sooo cool. The first doctor had to go because he had to meet an incoming helicopter. The next doctor was pretty funny and very compassionate. He explained before he did anything that this is a situation where I did nothing wrong and that I could do nothing about this. Every woman in my situation needs so very much to hear this. He was kind. When we got to the ultrasound, it was obvious that he understood what parents want. He printed us a copy of the ultrasound even though he wasn't supposed to. He wished us well and then explained that he had to say that there was still a 50/50 chance. He explained what might happen if this "threatened miscarriage (or abortion)" actually completed. He said that if any of that happened, we should return to ER. He also told me to see my OB in a day. I found out my blood type because they wanted to rule out any Rh issues. I was a + so no shots for me.

When we got back to the car, I sent texts to my prayers and Lew and I went to get the Lo and headed home for night, night. It was 4am when we went to bed.

I woke up at 12ish today, talked to some of my peeps and had a good lunch with my husband. Today was a good day. No drama, no blood, no pain; just a headache and lots of hunger. We watched The Secret Life of Bees and I cried. I'm thankful because I didn't panic. I'm thankful that I still have a little baby inside me. I'm thankful that we are rejoicing instead of mourning. I am thankful for new mercies every morning, night and noon. I am thankful for love that transcends adversity and I thank God that I see progress. I thank God that I'm a little stronger than I was before and that I face this with open eyes and open heart. Nothing is impossible with God. God is with me no matter what happens. I remain hopeful!

I'm so thankful for this day and for the beauty of miracles. God is good.

I look forward to my Ob appointment on Tuesday.

Pregnancy Paranoia at 11 weeks.

There is a certain amount of paranoia associated with pregnancy. Most of it, in my case, is associated with baby loss. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Thank God Lawrence was just fine.

My second pregnancy was ectopic. I KNEW I was pregnant but my period started on the right day. I was sad about being mistaken but the longer I bled, the more I knew it just didn't look right. It continued past the normal 7 days, and continued and it became clear that I was pregnant or had been and that something was very wrong. It took me a really long time to recover mentally from that loss. I even had a name picked out. Around the time I lost this baby, another friend had just started telling folks that she was pregnant. It was beautiful and difficult. She had unknowingly chosen the same name for her baby that I had chosen for mine. I was really looking forward to the birth of her baby and then at 40 weeks, he died. It was so crazy! I lost mine to an ectopic pregnancy very, very early and she lost hers to a crazy thing that no one could have foreseen at 40 weeks.

I have entered the 11th week of my 3rd pregnancy. I am so thankful that the only complication so far is a painless UTI. I look forward to the months to come. I won't say that I'm fully cured of my paranoia though. But I do have plan for dealing with most things that could go wrong. I've gone over some of it in my head, at least. My biggest concern in this area is my big boy, Lawrence. I haven't told him yet and I won't. I want him to just notice that I'm pregnant. I am not telling him, ainly, because I wouldn't want to have to tell him sad news if something happened. I know, all kids get sad news, he has even been to a few funerals and a wake but this is different. So I have decided to wait until he figures it out. I think he is going to be a great, big brother. I just need some more time to "feel" safe and to look pregnant.

Grow, 11 week-fig-sized baby, grow.

11 weeks - The size of a fig

I love babycenter.com they send me links to articles about the weekly stages of this pregnancy. Make my life easier. Click to read what happens at 11 weeks.